Very Short Funny Quotes
In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good
enough to start, so I just rode the bench.
I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that
the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes.
My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad.
The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.
Well, someone slap my butt and give me a hero cookie. (Nick)
Beer has that Olympic medal color, Rot replied, but does it have a winning taste?
I’d hardly call silver a champion flavor. No, I’ll stick to my red wine.
Aside from the obvious, Francesca,
what do you want in return for supplying information?
Bones asked, getting back to the subject. You to take me,
Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know?
I don’t eat breakfast.
Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he’s not
starting over on the paperwork.
I’m placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and,
I don’t know, possibly littering.
To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector.
And just as I suspected, my machine was broken.?
She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.
Pressure is something you feel when you don’t know what the hell you’re doing.
I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous
of me when I found five shark’s teeth. Locating them wasn’t really the problem,
but pulling them out of my leg was.
You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first,
let me introduce myself.
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons,
that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest,
but highly profitable.
This was not one of those times.
There are times when it is appropriate, even preferable, to get an erection
when someone’s face is in close proximity to your penis.
I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems
at an accelerated rate.
If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I’d say, Now.
But you’d also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch
is eleven minutes fast.
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
If you can’t do anything about it, laugh like hell.
It’s true, I can’t make you love me. But I can refuse to let you out of your cage.
I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested,
because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.
Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.
A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase hurry up and wait.
He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe.
He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful,
and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.
I’m bad and I’m going to hell, and I don’t care. I’d rather be in hell than
anywhere where you are.
In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly,
clearly speaks nonsense.
When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust.
When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future.
You gotten be careful: don’t say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.
Daemon pressed his forehead against mine. Oh, I still want to strangle you.
But I’m insane. You’re crazy. Maybe that’s why. We just make crazy together.
Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world.
But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.
Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing!
If love were a physical thing, it would be stairs.
I’ve always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car,
with a note affixed to the body that reads, I’m sorry.
Be what you would seem to be – or, if you’d like it put more simply –
never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to
others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than
what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.
I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.
Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about
to wet his pants. Guess who I was.
Ash is going to kick your ass, Daemon.
I wouldn’t say I’m superficial, just averagely facial.
Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with
a special someone.
If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes
with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs).
The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift,
and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.
From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would
just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.
A real girl isn’t perfect and a perfect girl isn’t real.
I want to go to sleep in my time machine and wake up eight hours in the future.
When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout,
Thanks for being a fan. Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.
She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her,
so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her.
We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady,
and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be
more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same
asshole your father was.
I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take
the country over in about two days.
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease
e named after me.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the
warm feeling that it brings.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed
entirely of lost airline luggage.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one.
I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,
they are always locking three.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did in his sleep.
Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
There’s no I in denial.
Billy Corgan, the lead singer of the rock band Smashing Pumpkins, on the perils
of life as a rock star: I’ve moved on to other things. Obviously I love rock n roll,
and I love music, but it’s nice to be in a world like professional wrestling,
where I’m treated like a normal person.
Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women.
The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always
s more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.
Does it disturb anyone else that The Los Angeles Angels baseball team
translates directly to The The Angels Angels?
General Mills ?is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge?
Whoever named ?it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.
Here’s some advice: At a job ?interview, tell them you’re
willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
How can you ever be late for anything in London?
They have ?a huge clock right in the middle ?of the town.
Hate to break it to you, ?Facebook, but the entire Internet ?
is already a Dislike button.
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog.
It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
A Canadian psychologist is ?selling a video that teaches you how to test your
dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog ?
is smarter than you.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I’m writing my book in fifth person, so ?every sentence starts out with:
I heard from this guy who told somebody
If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them
aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, just try missing a couple of payments.
If you watch Home Alone backwards, it’s a story about two men
who are helped out of traps by a young child, who then cleans them up.
Then, the child’s family comes home and yells at him.
The two best times to keep your mouth shut are when you’re swimming and
when you’re angry.
Wouldn’t it be nice if the world was flat? That way we could just push off
the people we don’t like.
Most people are only alive because it’s illegal to shoot them.
If I were a bird, I’d fly straight into a ceiling fan.
I’ve realized you can use a fork as a spoon if you use it rapidly enough.
If God made everything, then God must be Chinese?
I hate when I go to bed and I forget to turn my swag off.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
They keep saying the right person will come along. I think mine was hit by a truck
I stay up late every night and realize it’s a bad idea every morning.
Next time your girl wants you to take her somewhere expensive, take her
to the gas station, almost 5.00/gallon.
I am sorry for those that disagree with me because I know that they are wrong.
I did a few researchers to get that information.
I now know I’m psychic, because every time I go see a fortune teller,
I know everything she says will be absolute bullshit ahead of time.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said Parking Fine.
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
During a test, people look up for inspiration, down in desperation,
and left and right for information.
Trying to understand you is like trying to smell the color 9.
Alarm Clocks: because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
If you are one in a million, there are six thousand people just like you.
Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.
A politician is a fellow who will lay your life down for his country.
A good friend will help you move, a best friend will help you move a dead body.
Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it.
I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention.
Silence is golden; duct tape is silver.
Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning,
the devil says, Oh crap, she’s up.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life;
if I die next Tuesday.
Of course I’m not perfect; there’s a crack in my ass!
I’m great in bed; I can sleep for days.
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not
in the one ahead.
If she were a president, she’d be Baber ham Lincoln.
Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
It’s useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love,
drunk, or running for office.
My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight,
divide my time, and avoid multiplying.
I’m gonna go take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower,
but with me in it.
We kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong.
If your life is all about screwing things and getting hammered,
then congratulations, you’re a tool.
It’s all fun and games, until someone calls the cops. Then it’s a new game;
hide and seek.
We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.
I put the pro in procrastinate.
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
Out of all the lies I’ve told, Just kidding! is my favorite.
May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short.
I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Accept who you are, unless you’re a serial killer.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured
if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
After Tuesday, even the calendar goes, W T F.
Etc. End of Thinking Capacity.
Behind every successful man… There is a confused woman.
Bad decisions make good stories.
I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed.
Real friendship is when your friend comes over to
your house and then you both just take a nap.
Accept who you are, unless you,re a serial killer.
I am blessed with a funny gene that makes me enjoy life.— Karan Patel
People say that money is not the key to happiness,
but I always figured if you have enough money,
you can have a key made.
After Tuesday, even the calendar goes, W T F.
